Searching for Hope
Last weekend everyone celebrated Mother’s Day. It is a day hard for those who lost children and for those who want children, but never could…a day where some are reminded of what they most desire, but do not have…this is true in my case.
In 2003, I was so excited to find out I was pregnant after so many years of trying. What a great year for me – a year full of so much hope as I had also just graduated with my Master of Divinity. I had great ideas of plans for the future – so much hope!
In 2007, my daughter died in a tragic accident at our home. My husband had been seeking work and finally stayed home with our daughter while fixing up an expensive house we were close to losing and needed to sell soon…It seemed like everything came crashing down on us that summer. We lost our only daughter and were close to losing our house – hope for the future was slowly slipping from our fingers. My husband and I felt like Job who lost everything. So, we looked at the end of the chapter where Job was restored with greater wealth – hope returned. God was with us and would fix the situation. God helped us bury our daughter and sell the house. God kept Ed and I together as a married couple even though it was hard as we were suddenly empty-nesters with no daughter and having to relate to one another all over again.
In 2014, I moved to South Carolina for a new job. That same year my mother died leaving me enough money to pay off the school loans for both my husband and myself…hope returned as we were now out of debt and living in a new place where we could pay the bills. We were maybe entering the last chapter of Job – restoration is coming! Then in 2015, I had stomach pains and went to the hospital. Suddenly I was needing a biopsy for fear of cancer in the uterus. Thankfully, it was not cancer – but seemed worse to the doctor…endometriosis. I had to have a full hysterectomy taking everything out. There went any hope of having more children. Hope seems lost for future legacy building. True we could adopt possibly…but what little hope we had retained for having a child was gone!
It is now 2016 and we are older – now getting to the ages where our bodies are beginning to fall apart…I feel like Abraham and Sara wondering about the promise…We had so many believing that we would be restored like Job – he finally received double the wealth and had more children. We are stable financially with reasonable jobs and this is a great blessing in this day and age with the economy as it is…yet I still yearn to have a legacy…which requires children living after you in your name…God has called me to be a Spiritual Mother. As such, I must focus on those around me who I can influence and believe that God still has a plan for our lives – even though it is much different than what we wanted or expected. This requires hope in the future!
So, I am now picking up a book I never read – The Hope Quotient by Ray Johnston. I also have the whole devotional kit that is supposed to help us return to a life of hope and thereby changing our lives for the better – will allow us to thrive in life! So here goes – I will follow the system and see if I can find my hope and begin to thrive again! I will keep you updated on my progress.